Posts Tagged ‘Banquet’
Written on October 8th, 2009 by Biloxxxino shouts
Actual serving size half as much as pictured
Sorry for the poor picture. I’ll retake it as soon as I can find another box of this garbage. If you’re like me and you grew up eating Hamburger Helper and Chef Boyardee, you’d probably mistake this for Chili-Mac or Beef-a-Roni. You’d be wrong. This stuff is horrible. About every third bite, you chomp down on something that threatens to chip a tooth. I don’t know what it is, but I liken it to eating a deer that’s been peppered with buckshot. In fact, I think that the Banquet Company genetically engineered a meat product for their low-cost microwave foods. Somewhere in Kansas there’s a warehouse, and in that warehouse are thousands and thousands of legless, armless meat bunnies waiting for their turn at the slaughter house…
Mudbutt Scale: 6/10
Written on October 8th, 2009 by Biloxxxino shouts
Made with real bits of black shit!
I’m actually amazed that they called this meal “fettucine alfredo.” Typically the names are painfully honest, like “egg noodles in white sauce.” Without a discriminating eye, you might think this was part of Banquet’s more expensive line of microwave meals that are somewhat decent. But no, it’s part of the low-budget line. The noodles are eerily similar to the shoestrings on my skateshoes and the sauce tastes like watered down Elmer’s glue. I still have no idea what the black shit is on the noodles though.
Mudbutt Scale: 7/10 Pasta is generally safe, but in this case the “alfredo” sauce stirs the depths of your innards.
Written on October 8th, 2009 by Biloxxxino shouts
Did they use a router to get those rib marks?
Ah, the boneless pork ribbed (shaped patty meal). Quite possibly my favorite Banquet meal. This was Banquet’s answer to the McRib, except without the sandwich. This was my favorite Banquet meal back in my college days. The rib (shaped patty) was actually pretty good, but the corn tasted like shit and the mashed potatoes always had corn in them even though it was in a completely separate section from the corn. I never understood how that happened. By the end of my college career I just cooked the meal, threw out the corn and mashed potatoes and put the rib (shaped patty) on some bread with some lettuce. Bam! instant McRib.
Mudbutt Scale: 7/10 These things were like playing fetch with a Pit Bull. Some days you could eat one and be fine, and other days you’d be heading to the bathroom before it was even out of the microwave.
Written on October 8th, 2009 by Biloxxxi3 shouts
What are the chunks of red things in the cheese sauce?
If there’s a standard of the world in crappy microwave food, it’s the Banquet microwave meal. In many grocery stores these can be purchased for $0.99. This particular gem was provided by a coworker. He eats these things everyday. I haven’t gathered the gumption to try this particular one yet. I think my favorite attribute is the total government issued name. They at least could have tried to be clever. I think a 30 second romp through the break-room in the marketing department could have yielded something better than “Cheesy Smothered Meat Patty Meal.”
Mudbutt Scale: 9/10 While it’s cooling, start walking towards the bathroom.